Awake

I've been listening to my song playlist when the song Jaage Hain plays and stopped me from doing whatever I was doing at that time. Jaage Hain is a song from Hindi film Guru, one of my favorite film and all the songs from Guru are my favorites too, after all, it was composed by AR Rahman and the beautiful lyrics are written by Gulzar.

Jaage hain der tak hamein
Kuch der sone do
Thodi si raat aur hai
Subaah toh hone do

Aadhe adhoore khwaab jo
Poore na ho sake
Ek baar phir se neend mein
Woh khwaab bone do

You have to watch the film to understand the song. It's basically a song that describe a man lowest point in his life and his spirit to fight back. I tried to find a good translation for the words. I think this one is one of the good ones.

I have been awake for long
Let me sleep for a while
A little night is still left
At least wait till the morning

Unfinished dreams of mine
Which couldn't be completed
Once again in my sleep
Let me weave those dreams  

Last Friday was the first preview for our final major project. I went to the faculty a little bit late because I was overslept. It was weird to be there actually, I don't even know why. I went in, stayed a little while until I can't hold the nausea and went to the toilet to throw up. No, it wasn't because of nervous or panic. It's actually normal nowadays. I throw up when we were about to present our proposal at Ulu Yam the last time too. When I went back in the class I saw the screen was shaking, and I asked Imah and Ain "Is it me or the screen is shaking?" They said "Takde lah. Ok je. Filzah penat sangat kot." This is probably the first time I saw shaken things in this situation, I feel like laughing. I really do.

Then we take a break and suddenly questions coming at me. I was taken aback, I didn't expect it and I didn't prepare any answer. You see my situation is something that I don't really want to share it with anybody other than family and close friends. Why? Well I know for sure that there a whole bunch of kids that dislike me and I don't want to give them something to bitch talk about and the biggest reason is, it's too personal and most people won't understand it. I only tell people things that I want them too know.

Presentation continue and when its my turn, I did my thing and question after question were asked by my lecturers. Some I can answer, some I didn't expect, some makes me speechless. Honestly, I only prepare myself to answer about my ideas, the background of it and the strongest point. But some questions were about my situation (of course) and I told them, in a simplest and delicate way possible. I even feel like whispering. It was really awkward especially when other people are listening too. So my presentation was okay, just few comments on technical parts, other than that, I would like to think that I did well. Not excellent or good though.

But when I went back home, there's this uncomfortable and uncertain feelings in my heart. I need to make make choice and decide. As soon as possible. But I am afraid. Afraid of making choices. Afraid of making decisions.

After I went back home, I was in pain and I was hit by a bad migraine. Even now, I am in pain. But then I listen to the song.. it reminds me of a few things. Things that I want, things that I love, things that I want to fight for.

Lately I've been asking opinions from a very few people. Selected people actually. Because when I ask for opinions, I want a very honest and understanding opinions and suggestion. Not some strong and are-you-out-of-your-mind-of-course-you-have-to-do-this-and-that. I need a solid reason and only few people can tell me that. Aad is one of those few people.

Few days ago, the night before his convocation, we were chatting and I told him my not-so-good situation and my decision. And then he told me something that nobody told me. Something that makes me see the light and makes me teared up. He told me that 'I should strive and give my best of the best, because seriously it's gonna be worth it even though I have to struggle like mad. It's gonna be worth it.' I was sobbing after I read his words. I mean, whenever I asked for people's opinions, they always make me feel like I was asking a ridiculous question and they will replied it in a manner that makes me stop asking for opinions and suggestions. It scared me. But Aad's words are just what I need, so I'm going to hold on his words.

I'm still in a process of recovering mentally. Picking up myself has been the toughest job I had in my entire life. But I have hopes and dreams and my lightbox friends.