“What nobody tells people who are beginners — and I really wish someone
had told this to me . . . is that all of us who do creative work, we get
into it because we have good taste.
But there is this gap. For the
first couple years you make stuff, and it’s just not that good. It’s
trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not.
But your taste, the
thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why
your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase.
They quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went
through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing
that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just
starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know it’s normal
and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work.
Put
yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It
is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap,
and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to
figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take
awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way
through.”
-Ira Glass-
This was in my draft few weeks ago. I just started the new semester and full of keazaman dan semangat berapi-api untuk mengharungi apa sahaja cabaran dan situasi kali ni. Tapi, belum sempat post, ada macam-macam kejadian dah jadi. And it put the semangat berapi-api away.
Most of my family members and friends know the fact that I'm not well right now. It's been going on for almost 5 months now. Just last week, because of the fever I was admitted to the hospital to do some tests and stuffs. It's been a tough ride for me. And tiring. I just want to say to those who always said things like "Pregnant kot" or "Pembawakan budak" or "Berapa bulan" you can stop saying it like right NOW. I have enough of that. At first, I just brushed it off, but now..after throwing up almost every day, listening to those words are just.. membencikan. And those yang cakap 'Ye ke sakit? Tak macam sakit pun' or 'Tulah dok layan sangat sakit tu' I seriously gave up on you guys. But just remember this, I am the one who curl up in bed at night, crying and praying silently for the pain to go away.
One of my doctor once said to me "It's okay if you want to cry, it's okay if you feel angry. It's okay," She said to me this after she saw I'm struggling to hold back my tears and even after she said that I don't menangis meraung-raung or anything. Yang terkeluar hanyalah sob yang menyesakkan dada.
Semua ni.. buat aku rasa hilang dalam pergelutan yang aku sendiri kurang jelas di mana akhirnya. I'm losing myself, I hate everything, I feel angry, I feel annoyed, I want to scream, I just want to freaking run away. I'm at lost and I can't find my way out no matter how hard I try. I'm tired of putting this mask. How am I going to fight this?
In the midst of all this, I've been staying away from my passion, photography. Why oh why, I keep on asking myself. I feel like I treat it like my boyfriend (even though I don't know how it feels to have a boyfriend) I don't want to look at my camera, I've been blaming it for everything. Photography is my catharsis, my source of positivity, my joy. It hurts to feel this way. I can't even talk about this to anyone else, because nobody will understand, nobody want to look at this whole thing from my perspective. Setiap kali aku dengar kata-kata mereka yang berkata tentang apa yang aku rasa, seakan memberi alasan, bukan kepada diri aku, tetapi pada diri mereka sendiri.
I've been thinking a lot. Giving up is always the best option, but not right now. Not yet. I am close to giving up, but somehow, I just don't feel like it right now. I'm taking things slowly. Too slow actually. But its what I need. Time. I don't have a lot of it, I know, but I need time to pick myself up, to stand again, to be strong. And that is why I want to thank Mama with all my heart. She's been doing everything she can, even staying up till 5.00 a.m with me. I used to avoid crying in front for her, but right now, she is the only one who understands my tears. I'm sorry Ma, I really do. To my dear Arep, Aad, Aswad, Yus, Aidah, whom I've been talking/texting to a lot lately, thank you for your soothing words, thanks for being understanding, thank you for your support, thank you for not saying I'm crazy or I'm being dramatic or I'm lembik. All of your words are what I need to feed this fragile heart. I want to be better, I want to be myself again, I want to keep on breathing and I'm going to be strong, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, I don't know. But I promise, I won't give up.
Most of my family members and friends know the fact that I'm not well right now. It's been going on for almost 5 months now. Just last week, because of the fever I was admitted to the hospital to do some tests and stuffs. It's been a tough ride for me. And tiring. I just want to say to those who always said things like "Pregnant kot" or "Pembawakan budak" or "Berapa bulan" you can stop saying it like right NOW. I have enough of that. At first, I just brushed it off, but now..after throwing up almost every day, listening to those words are just.. membencikan. And those yang cakap 'Ye ke sakit? Tak macam sakit pun' or 'Tulah dok layan sangat sakit tu' I seriously gave up on you guys. But just remember this, I am the one who curl up in bed at night, crying and praying silently for the pain to go away.
One of my doctor once said to me "It's okay if you want to cry, it's okay if you feel angry. It's okay," She said to me this after she saw I'm struggling to hold back my tears and even after she said that I don't menangis meraung-raung or anything. Yang terkeluar hanyalah sob yang menyesakkan dada.
Semua ni.. buat aku rasa hilang dalam pergelutan yang aku sendiri kurang jelas di mana akhirnya. I'm losing myself, I hate everything, I feel angry, I feel annoyed, I want to scream, I just want to freaking run away. I'm at lost and I can't find my way out no matter how hard I try. I'm tired of putting this mask. How am I going to fight this?
In the midst of all this, I've been staying away from my passion, photography. Why oh why, I keep on asking myself. I feel like I treat it like my boyfriend (even though I don't know how it feels to have a boyfriend) I don't want to look at my camera, I've been blaming it for everything. Photography is my catharsis, my source of positivity, my joy. It hurts to feel this way. I can't even talk about this to anyone else, because nobody will understand, nobody want to look at this whole thing from my perspective. Setiap kali aku dengar kata-kata mereka yang berkata tentang apa yang aku rasa, seakan memberi alasan, bukan kepada diri aku, tetapi pada diri mereka sendiri.
I've been thinking a lot. Giving up is always the best option, but not right now. Not yet. I am close to giving up, but somehow, I just don't feel like it right now. I'm taking things slowly. Too slow actually. But its what I need. Time. I don't have a lot of it, I know, but I need time to pick myself up, to stand again, to be strong. And that is why I want to thank Mama with all my heart. She's been doing everything she can, even staying up till 5.00 a.m with me. I used to avoid crying in front for her, but right now, she is the only one who understands my tears. I'm sorry Ma, I really do. To my dear Arep, Aad, Aswad, Yus, Aidah, whom I've been talking/texting to a lot lately, thank you for your soothing words, thanks for being understanding, thank you for your support, thank you for not saying I'm crazy or I'm being dramatic or I'm lembik. All of your words are what I need to feed this fragile heart. I want to be better, I want to be myself again, I want to keep on breathing and I'm going to be strong, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, I don't know. But I promise, I won't give up.
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